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akanekoyoukai
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Country: United States
State: Florida
Gender: Female
Interests: FIRE!!! oh yeah and other stuff
Expertise: .....meow?
STUFF
Occupation: Medical
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/12/2003
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| I'm a whore. Plain and simple. My lustful desires for people who aren't anywhere remotely close to me are going to get me in trouble. Having trouble coping is a understatement. Its tragic really. To be hung up so much on something that has virtually no possible conclusion. Curiosity, pain, hunger, the eroticism of having such feeling astounds me, and where my emotional needs may not be completely fulfilled, the enjoyment of having such feelings for someone are worth the dissatisfactions. The smile that replaces my frown with just the utter of one, any single word, its so worth this hassle. However, this past full moon has taken its toll and my body is physically, i guess you can say crazed. He can cause both problems and my solutions.
Is it safe to say i feel isolated? Trying so hard to connect, stay connected, and be connected with people i am no longer near is becoming harder. Then again maybe it is both parties faults. I miss Alexandra soooo much. She really is my other psychological half. She keeps me on track. Im not fucking on track right now. And Simone, oh god Simone. Even her i feel as if im losing. Ive changed yes but not entirely, im still the same kitty, Ashlie, girl that i once was before. But i am a woman now. My birthday passed recently. Some of the most important people in my life forgot it. That lets me know im no longer on track. Two people i thought were my best friends here in Tallahassee, yeah, they stabbed me in the back. But at the same time maybe its karma.
There are many more specific people i miss. Don't know where they are or for that matter where i am. Logic is in a constant heated battle with the irrationality of my heart. I want to be near those people. I want to eat breath and sleep those people. I want to exist so i can make them happy. I want to leave FSU and never look back. But i know i can't. I want a future so i can do those things. But im so impatient.
I've never been the one to question my beliefs either. Lately all this hysteria regarding 2012 has weaved its way into my subconscious. Tell me im wrong. I've never been one to be afraid of death, but i have so many things i want to do and i am really going to parish in 2012, i want more fucking time with those people. I have to many goals and expectations i have in this form that i have built up and i want to complete them. That is what has got me worked up. I know its just a depression stage, most likely ensued by missing him, those people, being away from my home town, and a heavy effect from my thyroid, but come on. At least give me time to let me do what i want to before this body is ripped from me. I need to have a chat with the people who keep me on track.
Lol even this blog shows my whacked perception right now. Promise I'm not high, I just really miss them.
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| Two years, Two years almost three, that is how long it has taken me to one write and two get my damn password. I orignally stopped typing on here because of my mom back in sophomore year but now i figured i reconnect. Life has completely changed and honestly so have I. There are so many things i can write, so many versions of me i can explain, but that would take at least 3 years. So i am starting from scratch and yet again it has come for me to write my thoughts out to where i can read them and make since out of my deranged life.
Is it possible to be in love with two people? Two completely different people, for two completely different reasons. Both are thousands of miles away and yet i feel so close to them at the same time. Both also aren't from America so that should say something. Literally i was looking for love in all the wrong places.
Spring break 2007 I went on a 7 day Royal Carri bean cruise with my family. First off, I love the water. Always have, always will. Drowning when i was 6 couldn't even stop me. The cruise was amazing, however, since royal carribean doesn't acknowledge the international waters law, and i was only 18, i was one year to old to go to the teenager activities(not that i wanted to go there in the first place but it made a good point) , and 3 years to young to drink until we got to port. I was bored out of my mind. Then i met him. Since track season was beginning i had to keep in shape during the break so later on that night i went running on the deck. As i was running , later that night a boy decked out in all black and the cutest curly hair joined me. He looked about 19 or 20. At some point during our run we made it a race. Of course being a sprinter, when i got into the second mile i was shot. every time we run towards the front of the ship the air would blow and knock the breath out of me. So i stopped and sat down and he ran a couple more laps and then ran some back but all the while cheering and trying to get me to continue. The nerve! Ugh i already stopped u didn't have to run circles around me Martin. Anyways, i started to run again and as he passed me around the corner, i just went down the stairs and walked back to my room. Now i know what your thinking, what a bitch, but i mean come on man, if i ran with him anymore id need a inhaler just not to work myself into a coma. I just didn't have the heart to tell him i left after he got all excited for me to run.
Well went back to my room all lonely. The one friend i could have met and hung out with the rest of the trip, i ditched because of my nerves. Anyways, later that night my family went to formal dinner with their friends who also went on the cruise with us. So i was left to fend for myself. I dressed up, ate dinner and then walked around the ship. As i went to check out the only club on the boat (which only played 80's music, which is the most enjoyable drunk) I bumped into the same guy who was walking around with his cousin. Turned out he was 17 about to be 18 and was bored out of his mind to. And then it started. We were inseparable. Went to dinner together, everywhere i went with him he would hold open doors, or pull out my chair, or get drinks for me if we were sitting by the pool. We would stay up until 5 in the morning just talking. The last night on the boat we slept together on beach chairs so we could spend time together.
The the next morning my Canadian cruise ship lover and i parted ways. We still talk every single week and we send each other letter about 3 times a month still. At that time i have never met a boy who cared and respected a girl so much in my life time. I mean come on...im from orlando. The cutest thing was that his first language is French so all his letters he wrote for me he actually took the time to sit down and write them in English for me. But still something always held me back because of his age. I was always and still am worried i will corrupt him. Basically i wasn't sexually attracted to him at all but physically attracted to him and his personality.
Well following spring break in May i met and trained a guy named Jono how to be a lifeguard. He was a college student from Australia who came to work for Disney and visit the states. I had never wanted to change my lifes root until i met him. Since the first day i met him there was something. It didn't need to progress it just was. I wasn't ment to train anyone that day. I get a call about halfway through my stand asking if i wanted to train someone. Well why not? Well here comes my coordinator with a hot guy trailing behind him. Who was i to complain? Well as soon as he talked the hottest accent i could probably ever image came out of him. Unfortunately Martin didn't have a accent, but dear god Jono did. Well all day long i couldn't top the smile. My cheeks didn't go down once until he pissed me off by not paying attention to what i was saying. So short minded. And all day he cracked on me, and told me he wished i was blonde because then i might actually be hott enough for him to date. Ugh. Well he asked me if i knew about any parties or places he could go. So i told him the places and then later that day after i trained him he was going to take the bus home and since i was going that way anyhow i took him home.
The most stupidest, and yet smartest thing i have done. Well he asked for my number and i got his and said to let him know if anything was going on that night. well it just so as happens that my friend liz was having a party. Well let me explain something. I have never brought a guy they didn't know over to a party so when i did of course Phillip attacked him.He also make jokes at me the whole time about how i might as well move out of America. Thanks guys. Anyways our friendship developed, and we went on various dates. He had the same mannerisms as Martin, but more playful. About a week and a half later we went on another date that kinda changed it all. I forget what movie we meant to see. But it was closed so we ended up seeing Shrek the Third. I couldn't stop laughing and neither could he, lol, it as like we were little kids in a candy shop. Well we sat until the movie credit were done chatting, i assumed that we just waiting for people to leave however he leaned over and kissed me. I was so shocked and let me tell you he went straight to the punch so i ended up actually biting his tongue. What a great way to start kissing. I later found out him waiting was part of his little scheme to seduce me. Couldn't be more subtle than in a child's movie huh? moving on from biting his tongue off, we had a cute relationship after that. I can't really say that at that point i thought he was sexually attractive to me at all. If anything i was afraid to touch him. I might have gotten the aussie disease.
Well i had to start college at FSU and needless to say it was hard on both of us. But he still called me everyday and i made trips to visit him. Well when summer semester ended, he wanted to get away and since i needed a ride home so he rented a car and drove alllll the way to tally and picked me up. Spent hundreds and half the time i was to buzy studying for finals, im such a bitch yet again. Well went home and fell more for him and then we consummated our relationship. I have never had a guy look upon my body and look at it as beautiful, an instrument, so respectful until him. I meant more than just the feeling to him and for me that was extremely special for both of us. Mutuality. Our relationship was perfect because there was always mutuality. We never lied to each other, and were completely open with everything.
When he moved back to Australia in late November i hadn't felt that hurt about anything since the first love of my life moved to Colorado. So all the time i was thinking i couldn't help but think that if it hurt this much then maybe i had finally fallen in love again. Sure enough I did. We still talk every other day on the web cam and talk on the phone too. The difference between him and martin is that jono will move on. I would give anything to say that i could be his perfect girl, but i know couldn't be. With Martin, im afraid to be his girl, because if i take something that special from him it will completely change our relationship.
What is wrong with me. I am in love with a guy that has the same feelings for me, and yet at the same time both of us know it will never work, and yet at the same time we can't let go. With Martin I love him, and i know i could fall in love with who he will mature into, however, i know im not the one who will help him to mature into himself. So the question with that one would be if we both could wait. I wanna love the one i can't have and wanna wait for the one who i know could work out but isn't ready yet. two options for love and yet neither work. Each is flawless and each lacks was the other doesn't have. Martin is visiting again this spring break, however jono i most likely won't be able to see for awhile, and most likely our time will be up with each other by then. Iono has me bewitched mind, heart, boy and soul and brings me at center with every single life i have lived and personality i have taken on. I have never been so physically attracted to someone ever, however Martin has the potential for that.
None of this has a answer, None of this has a solution. I just needed to say it. I needed the energy flowing in my body to become words and flow onto paper. Two perfectly incomplete guys filling up one incomplete heart. Im broken in this life. Distracted by what i was, and held down by my life now.
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| Hmm...wow...I haven't really been on here in a long time. I guess a recap is in order. This year I guess you can say is one of the best in worst of my life. Many great things have happened...however there is still downfalls present. It truly hit me the other night while I was Sitting with Alexandra in the living room how much I have mentally matured...in fact how we both matured at a similar time. Looking upon it I don't even feel the way I used to.
I enjoy how my life is progressing in some sadistic way...but somehow I crave to have what I once did. I mean honestly. When did things get this complicated? I'm okay with the way things are going...but I would probably give about anything just to have one more day of getting of the bus with Simone and walking into her house sitting down playing DOA2 with her, Garwin, and Fae.
I guess if you could really describe it ...it would be like sitting in a room next or a warm fire,talking to all the people important in my life while drinking hot coco...to actually being dropped in a freezing, abyss of water somewhere in the middle of Antarctica. I know that's exaggerating. And I even know and realize the changes but god damn. Anyways...I'm more in a mellow state lately. I guess life has been alright. Nothing really to exciting to report. Work sucks, School is okay, relationship wise....don't bother asking...etc. I mean its been okay, nothing to dramatic. Just slowing in a downfall. I do however enjoy the simple things now...like just driving around sunset time...lol or even driving home from school with Alex, Tyler, Karl, and Polly in the car. It's...I donno relaxing. And if you are to ever make random fast food stop for a whole week...I would highly suggest Chic Fil'a..or however it's spelt
I do miss all you people that I hardly get to speak to...so I donno leave me a message or email....and for you poor souls who have just read my constant bubbling outlet...I envy your bravery. | | |
| Okay...wow....So life from last tiem i wrote in a brief summary. quitting orchestra..it's just..yea..I have a official job been trained and everything...haha work at the boardwalk at point orlando....and i have this reeeeeeealy awsome boss...haha....bad things include...i don't get to see my friends that much, I haven't talk to kitsune in a long time and i probably don't get to see her...and garwin still hasn't come down? Who knows random thoughts passing through my head. Um realtionships wise....um..haha...i'll explain that later. It's like mad confusing. But good.
I'm going to a wedding tonight then coming back to flordia on sunday and then work again the day after my last orchestra concert. Joy.. Oh yea track is over and it that sux. but as it seems right now i hae a paintball gun that is calling my name and begging to peg my uncle [the one who is gettign married] I love what happend before the wedding...the all act all stupid and excited that they really won't know what hit them till they wake up teh next moring with a large welt i left on their arm from my painball gun. Life is awsome....almost. | | |
| Wow...spring break was interesting... Um I'm not really supposed to be on here but i guess you people need somewhere to read what important happens or whatever cuz you people never shut up with "why aren't you on xanga anymore blah blah blah" so here I am breaking the rules oooo whoa big whoop. Lol I got my belly button pierced over this break thing and realized alot of things during this time as well. I like only one person...wow right? I mean I'm physically attracted to many guys and i i do have feelings for other guys but this one is i guess different. I did use to have these two reallllllllly huge crushes. I belive everone knows who they are so it doesn't matter. They both rejected me hahaa but I don't care because both are my friends and those feelings for them are gone because this guy makes me forget everything. I spend time with him every freakin week i mean that is crazy he could go and spend his time with someone else but he spends it with me. and he doesn't flirt or talk about other hot girls around me. If he does then he teases me and then says sorry a million times and hugs me in the biggggg hugs for like 5 mins. I actually just go off the phone with him. I mean that phone call was like 2 hours for nothing i maybe said like a few words because the night before that we stayed up talking. It went on and on...i never really thought people could call someone as much as he calls me and not get bored. He calls me to wake me up for school for like 5 seconds and is like "morning, take a shower, get something to eat and go to school. have a good day" that is sooooo sweet and then he calls and asks how my day was. soooo cute and he has this beautiful smile. Oh but the funny part is when i asked to hang up because i had to go then he was all like no don't go i like the sound of your voice and i go but how we have maybe only talk for about 15mins of 2 hours and he goes sooo. So im like fine and i didn't hang up becuase i couldn't bring my self to do it.
The point of this is... i like him i mean im starting to reallly like him and he likes me how awsome it that?. But who knows if it doesn't work out then oh well i have gotten past the point of being rejected. The irony of it is out of thoes two guys i really liked they both love someone named rachel. But i like this track guy soo yay.....um i think im done now because i just got that out of my mind. I think im going to go eat my pizza now | | |
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